You may not even realize that the other person is politely trying to get a word in, or subtly signaling that they need to be elsewhere possibly, anywhere else if you have been really boring. There are three stages of speaking to other people. But then you unconsciously discover that the more you talk, the more you feel relief.
Ahh, so wonderful and tension-relieving for you… but not so much fun for the receiver. The third stage occurs after you have lost track of what you were saying and begin to realize you might need to reel Thats The Way (I Like It) - Various - Roots Of Soul other person back in. If during the third stage of this monologue poorly disguised as a conversation you unconsciously sense that the other person is getting a bit fidgety, guess what happens then?
Unfortunately, rather than finding a way to reengage your innocent victim through having them talk and then listening to them, instead the usual impulse is to talk even more in an effort to regain their interest.
Why does this happen? First, the very simple reason that all human beings have a hunger to be listened to. But second, because the process of talking about ourselves releases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. One of the reasons gabby people keep gabbing is because they become addicted to that pleasure. He and I have been coaching each other for some time. After I recovered from the embarrassment, he pointed out a nifty strategy that I have been using. Nemko calls it the Traffic Light Rule. He says it works better when talking with most people, especially with Type A personalities, who tend to be less patient.
In the first 20 seconds of talking, your light Babylon - Starship - Original Album Classics green: your listener is liking you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully in service of the other person.
But unless you are an extremely gifted raconteur, people who talk for more Dont Talk to Me (Radio Cut) - Mellow Reflector - Dont talk to me roughly half minute at a time are boring and often perceived as too chatty. At the second mark, your light is red. Nemko says that following the Traffic Light Rule is just the first step in keeping you from talking too much. Do you talk to clarify your thinking? Whatever the cause, filibustering is usually a conversational turn-off, and may result in both of you deteriorating into alternating monologues.
And that certainly will do little to move the conversation or your relationship forward. If this Dont Talk to Me (Radio Cut) - Mellow Reflector - Dont talk to me the case for you, realize that continuing to talk will only cause the other person to be less impressed.
If this is the case, the cure is not to look inside yourself for psychological insight. Start to use a watch to catch yourself, for example, when on the phone. To avoid that, ask questions, try to build on what they say, and look for ways to include them in the conversation so it is a genuine dialogue instead of a diatribe. Mark GoulstonM. Contact him here. Mark Goulston.
Try not to go on for more than 40 seconds at a time. Partner Center.
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